Feeling like I have to always chase friends

Ever since I was a teen, I've always had this feeling of being lonely or left out. I wasn't one of the "popular" kids and I felt like I was always trying to fit in. As I grew older, I got into partying and music and from the age of 20 to 25, my life was really intense. Lots of partying, met tons of people, was always busy, going out, having fun, meeting guys and it wasn't until I moved from my country to Australia, that I realized how lonely and friendless I am. Yes I met tons of people and yes I had lots of fun, but now that I look back, there's barely anyone I can actually say is my friend or even acknowledges I exist. Two weeks ago was my birthday. I turned 28. All of my birthdays I've always felt frustrated. I'd invite 30+ ppl, only 4 or 5 would show up or show interest, let alone the ones who would say they'd come and cancel last minute. I'd see my friends' stories full of birthday declarations whereas I'd get close to none. Even from friends that said they were close and cared about me. All of my birthdays were very frustrating and disappointing and this year I decided to not even celebrate it. I spent the day with my boyfriend and that was it. A few people asked if I was going to do something but I just said "I'd see". In my head, I wanted to invite all my "friends" to my house, have a nice party but I know I'd be upset seeing barely anyone would show up because they're busy with their own plans. So I just decided to pretend that it kind of didn't exist and to be honest I felt "better" because I didn't create any expectation except for the fact that I knew barely anyone would really care. I also DJ and I've trying hard to get gigs and here where I live there's already a "bubble" of DJs that are already in the sconce and I feel like it's almost impossible to get in even though I feel like I have some pretty good music background, so that kind of messes with my self esteem as well. I'm not trying to victimize myself here, it's more of a rant of how I've been feeling lately. I'm a very social person but I feel like if I don't "chase" friends they never come to me (or almost never), so I just spend most of my time hanging out with my boyfriend because I know that he cares but the thought of us not being together causes me panic sometimes not because I feel like I need him, because then I'll be like, who truly cares about me except for my parents? It's a weird feeling and usually creeps at night when I'm home alone and I see people with their friends and no one even invites me to do anything if I don't reach out. I'm trying to understand what exactly I'm doing wrong here? People always say I'm a nice person and I'm fun but most of the time I feel invisible and sometimes it gets exhausting trying to be seen. I realize this makes me feel a bit depressed in general. #friends #friendship